Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
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My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Waiting for the Charmin
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)
Sorted
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh