Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
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Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
no!! no!!!!!!
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
💀💀💀💀
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
The probiotic bottle says there’s a billion good bacteria in every dose. How do we know they’re all good? Out of a billion can we be sure there’s not one mean ass microbe just waiting to escape the capsule and kill someone?
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex