Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
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Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded
Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost