@wendchymes

Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.

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@ZombieProblms

My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”

My wife died, so I was a free man.

Then she came back and bit me.

@KevinFarzad

Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?

@bea_ker

GUY POSING FOR THE SCREAM PAINTING: Are you done? Let me see
EDVARD MUNCH: You look great
GUY: Let me see
EDVARD MUNCH: No

@JohnLyonTweets

Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.

@girlnarly

teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?

me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–

@meladoodle

Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?

@IamJackBoot

When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.

@iwearaonesie

wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No