My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
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Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
GUY POSING FOR THE SCREAM PAINTING: Are you done? Let me see
EDVARD MUNCH: You look great
GUY: Let me see
EDVARD MUNCH: No
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
wife: Feeling better?
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]