Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.

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The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”


Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball


Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army


A guy just commented on how classy I am

So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”


Rap videos are completely unrealistic. Nobody has that many friends


Starting to fear that all the urgent work emails I LOL’d at and deleted earlier were not actually April Fools’ jokes.


I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.


“But Lot’s wife looked back as she was following behind him, and she turned into a pillar of salt, and Lot was like ‘wtf’ ” Genesis 19:26