Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
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I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
what is cheese if not milk persevering
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.