Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
You Might Also Like
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child