Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
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Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
When you find yourself walking on sunshine and realize you can’t trust Google Maps
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
I’m crying im so happy for them
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it
I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight