Fight fire with water. Idiots.
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This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside
Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?
Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.