Fight fire with water. Idiots.
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[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Where’s my employee discount too?
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted