Fight fire with water. Idiots.
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[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?