Fight fire with water. Idiots.
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GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
friend: i’m just going to date myself
me: you can do better
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Me: (exists)
Wasp: I have opinions about that
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.