[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
True story 🤣
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
