[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
She might be a genius
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
