fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
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your honor my client chooses dare
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
I think the cat got the dog high.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh