fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
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Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
me opening up to someone
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
I’m confused about plants
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”