Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
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Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Listen, if a woolly mammoth can be “perfectly preserved” for millennia, I’m sure this five year old meat in the back of the freezer is just fine.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Not messing around
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?