Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
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Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…