Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
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If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
road rage
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.
Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.