Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
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A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Twitter fine art
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
#Caturday
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
My boss told me to do something for myself today so I went home and installed a bidet.