Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
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Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
How did they know the suspect had a ghost gun?
It fired boohlets.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy