Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
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You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
. ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type