Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
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It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Saw online –
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Ladies, why y’all do this?
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*
Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
My daughter caught me throwing out some artwork of hers, so if you could donate to our GoFundMe, we can get her the “nicer mom” that she’s now requested.
Thoughts and prayers are also appreciated during this artistically tragic time.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
this… may be the greatest story ever told
I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
😭😭
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.