Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
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Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.