Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

agent: may i please have your account number

me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times

agent: sorry about that

me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer

agent: ideally, yes

me:

agent: may i please have your account number

@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you

Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store

[Me in hospital bed]

My wife: How is he?

Dr: He was dead for 15m

Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist

Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”

4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–

Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.

4: *sigh* kay…

Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.

You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind

Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.

A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.

95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees

Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*

Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.

grandpa was shocked

My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.

Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️

ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change

ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun

I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are

Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.

Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.

Her: That’s what I heard…

My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.

*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually

The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing

[First Date]

No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.

[Second Date]

*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*

My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Also my husband:

Me: *clears throat*

Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???

just make the entire table out of coaster

[1st Date]

him: oh do you have a twitter?

me: oh yeah, here you can look at it

him: *scrolls in silence*

him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out

masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?

That’s someone else’s problem.

-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write