Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a bartender]

*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*

2024 has been a rough few years

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.

ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.

MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.

[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready

call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much

[first day in hell]

Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.

Satan: Muahaha!

Me: The air…it’s moist.

Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.

Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.

Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.

“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”

-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie

When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.

I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.

sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own

I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC

Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?

4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*

Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?

“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit

I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.

the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs

Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!

My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.

The inventor of perforated paper has died.

RIP

Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine

Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough

DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”

Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist

Celine DiOn

*claps twice*

Celine DiOff

As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”

No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.

20s: I’m on top of the world!

50s: stop the world I want to get off!

I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod