Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.

The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.

(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?

My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.

I thought there was something wrong with her.

Turns out she’s being R2-D2.

Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.

Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

Realize this:

Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.

Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.

A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women

Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?

Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves

Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.

You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.

kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.

Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.

Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣

I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.

I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night

The good news: She actually gave me her number

The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away

[gets pulled over]

me: problem, officer?

cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me

[2hrs 36m later]

me: how was that

cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number

[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then

I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.

Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.

I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?

COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”

Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?

Me: *hands cash*

I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.

Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.

Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.