*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
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LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Yes, but it was never about money
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Those are good neighbors.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?