I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
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*Sits straight up in bed*
*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Them: I’m so sorry!
Me: *checking that their concrete boots have set* It’s all water under the bridge.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
me: “absolutely none”
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Because I love being cold 95% of my life.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff