I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
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I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
#MyIdeaOfKinky is sending you a picture of me in my bra.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.