Fights fire with marshmallows
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My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this