Fights fire with marshmallows
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before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
be aware when you do a search and replace in your script to change someone’s name from Chris to Ryan that suddenly your characters are going to be talking a lot about the upcoming Ryantmas season
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes