Fights fire with marshmallows
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What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.
WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?
Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.