figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
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alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent
Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts
My period: yeah what a mystery
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
good work, detective
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche