Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark

It could be worse.

You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.

[First day as a Waiter]

Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.

Me: Probably what killed it.

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*

WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.

[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”

Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?

ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!

“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”

Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

him: does this pillow feel lumpy

me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me

[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*

the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day

Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.

I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.

ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.

My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road

My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.

(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)

Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.

That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.

There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.

Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”

saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?

I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming

ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones

CORONER: no

Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.

You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?

Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit