figuring out my emotional availability:
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I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
“Are you just going to sit there all day?”
“No! Now and then I’ll be walking to the fridge and back”
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.
He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:
— where they were all rural cattle farmers.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem