figuring out my emotional availability:
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MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.