File under excellent bookstore names.
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I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
#Thanos #MondayMood
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.