File under excellent bookstore names.
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Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin