Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
You Might Also Like
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
My wife’s leftover meatloaf just growled at me and ran under the fridge …. now I’m scared.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Cannot stop laughing at this
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.