Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’

Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’

You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?

Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*

*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG

another case of gang violins

gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*

Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.

CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son

what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night

Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.

My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”

Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”

HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss

Me: “ok”

You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

*watches Forensic Files for tips*

*taps pencil*

*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*

*taps pencil*

*pauses*

*underlines it*

Her: you look great

My brain: say thank you

Anxiety: why does she hate me

Me: I have peanut butter in my hair

My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.

Them: You’ve changed.

Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.

Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.

IT:have you deleted your cookies?

Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left

IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?

BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess

nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale

I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂

Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?

Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.

i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you

I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.

Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.

“Treat yourself,” they say.

“No, wait—not like that—”

But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair