Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.

ME: *reads war and peace*

SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*

catch me on valentine’s day like

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

‘…um….’

– the first cow ever milked

[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl

I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think

RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?

ME (has a degree in computer science): No

omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business

*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.

Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.

Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.

I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.

My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”

Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”

My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”

Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil

Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.

Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.

My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.

Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.

Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.

{phone call}

MRS. TURTLE: Hello?

MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours

MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close

MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away

[Bethsaida 28 AD]

BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves

“Five loaves please”

BAKER: Huh?

“Jesus is here”

BAKER: Sonuva

I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet

kids: the floor is lava

teens: the floor is laundry

I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.

A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious

Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?

– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.

Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?

Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes

[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!

Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”