Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”

If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??

For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair

I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.

But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like

Also me: why am I still single

IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY

Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.

During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.

*my obituary*

Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.

Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.

Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.

Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*

[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA

I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.

Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.

1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.

You: Where’s Carl?

Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind

You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?

Me: Funny you should ask

Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.

wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry

Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.

Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.

just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant

Executioner: last words?

Me: pop

Executioner: we say soda here

Me:

Executioner: say soda

Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-

Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA

*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair

*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”

“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon

It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down

[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”

I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”