*files a restraining order against reality*
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The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn鈥檛 work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I鈥檓 just eating light
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 馃槶
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I鈥檓 gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don鈥檛 remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
6: you鈥檙e going 75
Me: I am, but it鈥檚 the speed limit
6: that鈥檚 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That鈥檚 almost 100!
Me: 鈥lease don鈥檛 tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Me: I鈥檓 going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*