Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[holding the door open for a pretty woman]

Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir

Me: *blushing* I aim to please

Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor

M: I despise you

I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.

-me as a witness, describing the murderer

Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”

Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”

There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.

Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.

*shows buyers around my home*

This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really

Imagine me riding a bike.

Wrong.

There’s no seat.

A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”

Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you

Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.

her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress

grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls

I’m trying to eat healthily but there’s still so much cheese in the fridge. And it’s illegal to throw cheese away. Not sure what to do.

I guess I’m going to have to eat the cheese.

Yes. I am now actively eating the cheese.

Horrifying if literal: arm candy

[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?

hamster: no

Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.

Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?

Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…

A McRib killed my tapeworm.

My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.

“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat

I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience

Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”

Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert

I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.

“Don’t tread on me.”

– out-of-order sign on a treadmill

“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.

When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.

don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue

I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.

me: can i get a burger ($5.99) with fries ($1.99) and a soda ($1.49)

cashier: sure that’ll be $25

me: ok