(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
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My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
I’m Kodak hut old. So I know a thing or two about humiliation, I had to pick up my own nudes, in person.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.