[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
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My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Sorry I’m late. My catapult malfunctioned.
Turkeys really only have one day a year and it’s a bad one
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
It will always be this
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy