Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
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A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Me too, bag. Me too….
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.