Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
You Might Also Like
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
not seeing the problem
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Poetry is my passion
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
at ease…shoulder.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT