Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
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Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
men, we mow at sunrise.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
That’s a good costume, I hope.
This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
