Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol

Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves

Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast

Girlfriend: Are you crying?

Me: It’s a wedding episode…

Gf: But you don’t even like this show

Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭

AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.

Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.

[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want to

guy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.

older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah

UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay

Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on

[1st date]

Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…

FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.

BABY: {saying first word} Mama.

FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.

when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off

Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.

All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.

You: Say something good about 2020

Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.

o shit

ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present

ESKIMO: You idiot

Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.

Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.

I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.

(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)

9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?

Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm

9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)

Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?

me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no

Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra

Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat

If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.

Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.

Is that cheesecake?

*reads your mind*

*decides to wait for the movie*

Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.

I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.