Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
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I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.
the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
umm…
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial