Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?

me: ok I know this looks bad

me: it needs a belt right?

A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is

This is why you don’t eat at everybody house

We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.

me: hi, I have no power at my house

power company: ok, when did it happen

me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift

one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more

ME: let’s not fight

DOCTOR: you punched me

ME: you stabbed me

DOCTOR: with a needle

ME: let’s not fight

[thanksgiving dinner]

Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive

My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!

*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*

passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture

incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED

Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?

Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.

They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:

You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.

My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

me: wHaT iS It DocToR

dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people

me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS

dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS

[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP

“STOP COPYING ME!”

I yell, as my car spins out of control.

Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.

Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?

Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…

Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.

Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival

Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.

Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english

here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”

…i mean VERY BAD TRIP

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.

Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.

Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.

[meeting at amc network]

“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”

Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”

I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.

I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭