*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
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All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.