Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.

[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”

[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”

Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.

Me: THE drawer?

Wife: Yeah.

Great. There go our Oreos.

It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.

GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.

ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.

GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”

ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.

Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.

Me: It’s my guide dog.

Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…

It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?

Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me

Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.

i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”

“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”

Friend: *finger guns*

Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours

Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.

Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him

[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?

Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.

Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.

Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”

I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society

But my Dad did

I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time

A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”

I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.

[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100

Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.

you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway

[First day as a teacher]

Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.

[Later]

Student: May I use the restroom?

Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit