Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*goes down on one knee*

One Knee: I have a girlfriend

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

[My band playing on stage]

New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?

New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died

We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.

I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.

🧠

Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.

ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else

My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?

*(whispering)they’re both the same

If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”

[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park

[eye doctor’s office]

receptionist: do you have vision insurance

me: yup *hands over card*

receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate

me: but my eyes are in my body

receptionist:

me: and they’re unhealthy

This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all

Greeting card

[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

linkedin the good parts

Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant

Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.

So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?

Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.

Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*

I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.

Licked a frog once.

He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.

My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.

Parenting is easy

the official breakfast of 2021

Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.

*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion

When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.