Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample![]()
You Might Also Like
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
![]()
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
iPhone X
![]()
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge