Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.
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If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
working on a name for my new business
my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]