Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.

Brain: that was a good cookie

Body: here’s 4 pounds

My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.

I just had a near sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

Omg 🤣

Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.

I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this

Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.

Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.

I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.

Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….

Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!

*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT

[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…

Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful

If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…

baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold

mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear

I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date

But also the kind of friend that will make it say:

“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”

At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.

I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.

– smokers

I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.

I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.

*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*

*grass dies due to lack of water*

How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???

Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?

John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.

Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.

Entomologic:

Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a fly

Bee louse= fly

This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes

“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”

Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.

You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?

Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.