Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude

*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!

Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!

Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)

Hubs: Never mind

Me: Smart move

The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.

Why soy sad?

Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.

Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.

Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days

When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.

Friend: You need help?

Me: I need to write a couple letters.

Friend: OK

Me: Not those.

– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?

When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.

To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.

The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.

Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.

Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.

impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks

brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.

4yo: Do you want to play pretend?

Me: I already am.

4yo: What pretend?

Me: Shh, you’re not here.

Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.

Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.

Women are from Venus, men are wrong.

when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?

“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real

My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.

Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty

You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.

I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity

I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.