Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief
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“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
My neck my back my allergy attack
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.