Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief
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What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.