Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!

I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.

drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”

Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that

*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*

Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.

me: we need to go to the ATM machine

thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot

me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine

INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!

*11 people die*

INDIANA JONES: this was worth it

The secret to work life balance is generational wealth

Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.

You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.

– My 4yo. Apparently.

For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.

After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.

Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.

Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused

If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.

But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”

Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…

Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.

My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”

Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: There is snow in my paw and now you must carry me.

“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly

Californians forget how to drive when it rains

God: send them snow

Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?

Him: *disables smoke alarm*

A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”

8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.

Me: It looks the same as before.

8: I added more snacks.

Finally, some meaningful renovations.

I remember when yoga was called Twister.

God: you’re a kiwi.

Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?

God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.

Kiwi: really what’s that?

God: you can smell through your beak so good!

Kiwi:

God:

Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?

God: sure!

Kiwi: I smell bullsh-

How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.

My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.

That