Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.

I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.

You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long

A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.

*Job Interview

Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”

(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)

Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*

A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.

The urge to throw a coconut at someone.

once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes

Help me practice my knife throwing skills.

You catch.

Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May

A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.

I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.

Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”

Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive

Me: can I just text them

I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.

[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]

vending machine: i have a boyfriend

Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.

[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close

*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.

Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s

If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.

[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE

The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.

Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.

Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.

Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.

BRO LMFAO

Cats are about as useful as a football bat.