Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[November 2030]

*at the ocean*

“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”

Kids: This fish has three heads

Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!

My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!

Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.

Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.

Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time

here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos

The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.

Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?

If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.

I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player

Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*

Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?

3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself

fixed it

I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece

Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother

I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment

”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are

Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.

me: i’m not afraid of death

[2 mins later : stubs toe]

also me: OMG I’M DYING

“IT BURNS!”

-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.

Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had

i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”

i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”

he ain’t laugh

[mouse wedding]

PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE

Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*

[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO

You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:

Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*

“It says here you ran a marathon?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”

I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?

ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer