Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE

Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.

Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $1,600.

I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping

[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye

Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats

dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo

*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”

Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”

thanksgiving in nutshell

extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left

Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.

employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad

Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!

Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!

My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.

She’s stuck at work again.

My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.

AT MY FUNERAL:

My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me

Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?

So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.

When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.

People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.

6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?

Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.

when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today

marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down

All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.