[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
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My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.
☺️
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
You might just have to resign…
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Stop it! 😂
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
I feel this so hard
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?