[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
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IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Look at this
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Happy Caturday!
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*
8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
