Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.

2 Smurfs stand over a body…

“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.

I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.

HIM: I like your shirt!

ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks

Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food

Priorities

[Therapy]

Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”

Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”

ME: I’m anti-murder

MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded

I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.

Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen

Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad

I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.

my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead

Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead

(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.

Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?

*Trips over the cat*

PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.

[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here

At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of

Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.

me: wanna hang out?

southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah

me:

Caesar [dying]: remember me

Soldier: we will name a salad after you

Caesar: ok

Soldier: with stale chunks of bread

Caesar: actually nev-

Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese

Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me

therapist: overthinking

me: you mean predicting the future

deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”

The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?

Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?

my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”

*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????

When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.