[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
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Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”