Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?

Son: …

Me: It’s also a famous explorer.

Son: Dora?

Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.

Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.

Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.

Who hurt you?

Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.

If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away

paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?

[from back of the room]: twitter

*Gets on plane*

*Takes out earbuds*

*Untangles earbuds*

*Plane lands*

I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

frog: kiss me, I’m a prince

her: ew gross

frog: you have a problem with frogs?

her: no, with the monarchy

Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you

Me: ok

Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory

Me: oh no

You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.

*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*

I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.

[my first day on the international space station]

*grinds pepper over food*

Oh.

Oh no.

May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”

gandalf:

jesus:

gandalf:

jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too

gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff

HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex

ME: we learned a lot though

HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*

Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home

Me: I’m sorr…

*A sippy cup starts crying*

Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?

Wife: Of course

M: Even tho it’ll upset them?

W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind

M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then

W: I despise you

You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.

[interview]

THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?

ME: thank you.

interviewer: how would u describe yourself

me: unemployed

Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”

cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest

The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.

Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:

My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.

Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!

To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.