Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone

According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.

My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be

me: how’d the date go

friend: i got ghosted

me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out

*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing

If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone

I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.

[Date]

Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?

women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”

Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?

Clerk: That’s an egg.

I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.

It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.

My therapist: try working on your active listening skills

Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles

The software development process

i can’t fix this

*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*

oh it was a typo, cool

So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.

When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.

Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet

Wife: Have you tried rice?

Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda

Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone? ⁣
⁣
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh⁣

My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”

Im at the swamp does anyone need anything

If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts

Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention

Wife: no it’s your birthday

marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down

If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”

Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this

None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.

“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”

-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu

I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate

Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”

SCARECROW: If I only had a brain

DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas

TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you

Its a hippotatomus