Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]

Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?

Me: I’m up.

Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.

ㅤ

Let’s play a game.

What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.

A: A teddy bear

B: A blanket

C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush

I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.

To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.

*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*

You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.

ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?

ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris

If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.

Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.

i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries

I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat

I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.

I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.

Who does Amazon think I am?

ㅤ

Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”

Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”

Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”

Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”

Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.

website: do you accept cookies?

me: into my heart as my Lord and savior

They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron

My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”

I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide

Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people

Midwife: Support his head

If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.

“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”

– Me, drunk at Target