*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
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Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”
‘Omg. Where?’
“No, just a normal wolf I think.”
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Butt weight. There’s more!
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook