*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
You Might Also Like
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.